Discipline.

And I went. I dragged myself out to LG at about half past midnight and stayed until 5 in the morning. I wanted to stay for longer but my brain really wasn't running. I didn't know what I want to write and everything that I was typing on to the screen was serious non-sense. By the time I walked back the sky was already brightening up and by the time I slept (6.30am) it was bright again. A new day. *deep breath* I shall do some work today too.

No matter what.

I will go to LG tonight no matter whether it's cold, whether I'm sleepy, whether I'm tired - I will drag and force myself to leave this warm room and soft bed to a place where I can do my work. There's nothing else for me to be doing anyways. All is not lost.

Closure!

I've found it. I've found what I needed to find to make me decide. If only it was different, though.

Uni life speeding by.

I went to my last ever seminar at 9 this morning and it's only just beginning to sink in now. It was strange to see how fast everything is coming to an end. My lecture yesterday was the last time I would have had it in that lecture hall and it was the lecture hall that I spent most of my first year's classes at...it's just...strange.

Argh it's not to reminisce, it's time to revise. I must get going with that silly book review. See how that goes tonight. One thousand five hundred words of bullsh*t coming up!

Let me daydream my day away.

The Script - The Man Who Can't Be Moved

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move,
Got some words on cardboard got your picture in my hand,
Saying if you see this girl can you tell her where I am,
Some try to hand me money they don't understand,
I'm not...broke I'm just a broken hearted man,
I know it makes no sense, but what else can I do,
How can I move on when I'm still in love with you...

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

Policeman says son you can't stay here,
I said there's someone I'm waiting for if it's a day, a month, a year,
Gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows,
If she changes her mind this is the first place she will go.

Stupid, stupid.

And the open day wasn't as bad as I thought it would have been. The presentation was quite quick and it was concise - didn't quite see the point of it but ah well, free trip down remember? Add a free lunch at Zizzi, I'm more than happy to shut up. Strazzopreti Rosso Pollo, or some combination of those words. It was yummy, I like.

Anyways, walking around London I have time to think again. I was just telling myself how crazy I am being. I must back down before it gets out of hands. I just wish it was easier. I can't bear the thought.

Fine, completely.

Back down in London town. Open day tomorrow, in just about 12 hours. Going in for three hours to listen to two hours of presentation and have an hour of lunch... Sigh, have to make such an effort. at least it's free. The ride, the lunch, why not? I must plan what to do over the coming days.

And I think it's happening all over again. I've noticed that there's too much resemblance that it's uncanny. If I'm smart enough then I should learn from where I went wrong the last time and stop myself now. There's no point trying - not this time. I just wish it wasn't this way. I'm so sick of giving.

Maybe, just maybe.

Who knows, things might not be as bad as they seem? I mean I'm sure as hell that it's not how I'd like them to be but maybe I was just being the usual narrow-minded pessimist, as always. Went badminton again today and decided until I can find someone better to play with, all bets are off. The really good people are too good for me and they enjoy playing with the rest of the good people...and then comes me...and then comes the not-as-good-as-me people. I get bored. I win, I win, and I win some more...what's the point. Victory that comes that easily doesn't seem very satisfying. Honestly, I think my dad's better than them.

Anyhow, I think I've never done this much exercise in a given period of time (in England) since I came to uni. I swam on Monday, badminton on Wednesday, swam again on Thursday, badminton on Friday, swam on Saturday (at 11am dare I say, and yes, that's early for me), badminton on Sunday and went badminton some more today. Tomorrow, now officially today, I'm going swimming. I can't take playing with people who's not better than me, how do I learn that way right? The worst part of all the exercise is, though, I'm not shedding anything. I'm not gaining weight but I'm just as bulky as before...how unfortunate. Stupid fat won't frickin budge!

I should start my book review, it's only 1.5K words and if I really wanted to write it, it wouldn't take more than a day at best two. SIGH, my poor life. At least after all this is over and done with I get to go back home. I'm gonna hate not being able to go back every 3 months once I start working. I'm gonna hate working, period. Yes it'll be great if I can earn my own money but as far as my job description is concerned, I'm not gonna have much will to get out of bed in the morning (to endure the stupid English weather).

Ah well, I've been eating a lot. I'll post photos just for the sake of it - taken from savourthisflavour.
Cupcakes from the hummingbird bakery.

Raclette makers.

A raclette, unhealthy, but damn good.

The German sausage griller.

Yummy German sausage with sauerkraut.

Bumpkin - an all organic restaurant.
A place with cool decor.
And nice burgers.
And on the same day I went for an afternoon tea in Mayfair.
That's some Dragon Lily tea or something, orange tea for simplicity.
And of course, the three-tier serving stand.
Snog - still don't get what's with all the rave about this normal-tasting frozen yogurt.

Bubbling (with rage).

I feel like venting. I might have even vented, just not intentionally, and at the wrong target. Bad, bad me. I'm being vague, I know but what to say. I'm confused why...oh dammit I must learn! *must come up with something*! I'm making sense of a few more things this time but there're still way too many things to get my head around with.

My miserable life aside, the good life is still going quite strong. I've been playing badminton and swimming almost everyday...and as exhausting as it may be - I like it. I don't feel any skinnier but so what? At least I can devour my junk food without feeling as guilty.

And stupid Scandinavia trip, so complicated. I couldn't even care less at the moment. I'm suddenly thrown the responsibility of picking up the pieces and who knows maybe I deserve it. I mean if I didn't let my big mouth ruin what would have been over and done with then I wouldn't be sitting here whining the evening away. But how was I to know 'things' were gonna happen. Give me some special power or something holy buddha, I need it to sort my life out.

!! BIG SIGH !!

I shall wait til everything figures itself out. I can only hope.